Just Cry--Part Two

One week ago (last Sunday)....

I had stayed the night with the girls in the BHC, and we went to church together, along with the team. At the end of the service, the team and I stood in the front, telling the congregation we would pray for them if they had any needs.

Over half the church came to the front with us wanting prayer.

Language was not a barrier. They prayed for their needs while we laid hands on them, praying for whatever needs they were declaring.

I walked up to two of the girls that lived in the BHC. While I was praying for them, I couldn't help but wonder what it was like to be them. So, I asked God to show me. I asked Him to allow me to feel what they feel for just a moment.

He let me.

For as long as my hands were on them, there was a weight on my shoulders and my heart. I couldn't control my tears. Everything was heavy, and there was an inward pain and anger burning inside of me. I felt ugly. I felt so ugly. Physically, mentally, and spiritually--ugly.

I let go.

My hands dropped to my sides, and I was haunted. All I could think was, "This is not fair."

The prayer time ended, and I was still crying. I argued with God in my mind. Why do these children have to live in a prison and experience that life?

The answer came a few days later, when Jonathan, a seventeen-year-old boy living in the BHC shared his testimony (first time ever) with our team.

He was in gangs. Drugs. Fights. Stealing. Demon-possessed. Then, he said something I will never forget.

"Thanks be to God because my mom went to prison."

That is when I realized, things that look so horrific to me could all be part of God's plan to capture us and save us. Had his mom not gone to prison, he would have never been part of the Bolivian Hope Center.

Jonathan will now be traveling with Missionary Rich Farthing to share his testimony within Bolivia. He is a different young man, and he's now attending a Bible school. You can see his passion and love for God in his eyes.

I want to be like Jonathan.

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Stay tuned; final post this week.

Thanks for reading.

Just Cry--Part One

A lot has happened since my last post. The team from Life Assembly, my home church, arrived on Thursday (it's Sunday), and we've been very busy!

Friday was their first work day. I have pitched in at times, but during the weekdays I try to continue my routine with the First Steps kids since I will be leaving soon.

During the afternoon, the kids from the Compassion Ministries (they take classes at the Bolivian Hope Center property & eat) and the BHC kids had us go into the church for a small presentation. It was sort of like a mini talent show.  A boy and a girl stood on stage and spoke in Spanish to us, while a boy named Jonathan translated it into English. He is very intelligent.

I cannot remember exactly what was said, but it went something like this:

"We are so happy you are here. We thank God for you. Because of you, we have happiness in our hearts--even in sad times. God bless you."

Every single time I have come here, I have been surprised by how much the people remember us. It just goes to show, not only does "doing good" NEVER go unnoticed, but actually taking to time to show love to people... that is something that can leave a footprint forever.

After that, the BHC kids did a human video/drama for us. The song was "Set Me Free" by Casting Crowns (but in Spanish), and their drama showed a girl surrounded by darkness. The kids were all dressed in black, symbolizing hardships, temptations, and demons. They put chains on the girl and pulled her around, controlling her life and stealing her joy. At the end, a man dressed in white walks in, and the demons fall to the ground. He is Jesus. He helps the girl up and restores her.

I had seen this skit many times, but we all agreed that we had never found it that moving. These kids know what it's like to wear the chains. That's something I really found out today.....but that story comes in Part Two.

In my lap sat Jose Luis. He's two years old, and I have become extremely attached to him. While watching the skit, at about halfway through, he pulled my arm in front of his eyes. I pulled it away because I didn't realize what he was doing. Suddenly, he looked at me. I could see the fear in his eyes. His entire body was violently shaking. He turned around and buried his face into my chest, and then kept turning back for a second to see what was happening, only to bury his head again, shaking. Luis began to cry loud and hard. It was a cry of pure fear. I held him close to me and made sure that he didn't look back anymore. Then, I started crying.

When the skit was over, I ran out of the sanctuary with him in my arms--both of us crying our eyes out. I sat with him on a step of the staircase, and we spent a good fifteen minutes just crying. He was crying because he was scared. I was crying because all I could think was: when I'm not here, who is going to hold him when he is afraid and needs to cry? Who will protect him when I no longer can?


I need God to help me see the purpose in pouring my heart out to these kids and having to leave. I need Him to give me faith in His plans for me right now because this is the hardest thing I have ever been through.


This is Part One of "Just Cry."

What Scares Me

Nine days

Nine days until I'm headed home. A part of me longs for some sweet tea, a juicy Five Guys burger, and a nice, long conversation in English. But, that's only a small part. Very small. 

The rest of me, on the inside, is crying--for many reasons. I'm only going to talk about one, though. The main reason that leaving not only saddens me, but scares me:

Relationships

Even though I've struggled with communicating while I've been in Bolivia, I've managed to build strong relationships with all of the children in the First Steps ministry and especially the girls in the Bolivian Hope Center. I learn more about them every day.

Neglect. Pain. Illness. Struggles. Abandonment.

And the more I count down the days, the more my heart literally hurts with every beat.

Leading up to this trip, I've known. I've known when I'm going, where I'm going, why I'm going. But the only thing I know after this trip is over is college. Yes, I know when, where, and why I am going to college. What I  don't  know is when I'll be back here.

I guess it hurts me so much because I'm afraid they will think that I am abandoning them too; that our relationship was built only because I was in Bolivia for six weeks. I'm scared that I haven't been able to communicate to them how much I love and care for them. I want them to know that it will continue on, even if I see them again or not.

Going into this, I knew it would be hard to leave. I didn't realize that I would end up being so hard on myself for it, though. I can only pray that they continue seeking after God like I've seen them do, and pray that He will send me here again.

Nothing God wants us to do is in vain. Whether I see the purpose in going, building relationships, and then having to leave--God knows the purpose. I just have to keep moving forward and trust Him to tie the loose ends.

Here are two recent pictures that I have taken. I tried to upload a video, but because of the internet connection, it would've possibly taken hours.

Praying over Rich after singing Happy Birthday. They love him so much!

Johan, Jose, Jose Pequeño (little Jose), and Jose Luis. I adore these boys. They were playing "house" together. :] 

More

"What has God opened your eyes to on this trip that is different than the other trips you've been on?"

     Well, this being my fourth trip to Bolivia and my seventh missions trip, you would think that my eyes couldn't open any more. But they certainly have.

      Culture. -- God has used my time here to open my eyes to a different culture. I knew that there were differences, but I have truly been able to see and experience all the little details since I've stayed for an extended amount of time. I've witnessed everything from political and societal unrest to the idiosyncrasies in marriage. Let me give you an example: finances within marriage. Here in Bolivia, usually, the husband and wife live together with separate bank accounts. Sometimes, they even split the children! Say it's a marriage with two kids...  the husband chooses to support one child, while the wife supports the other. Each parent pays for what that child will need. It's never combined. Crazy, right? Why do they do this? Well, they keep their finances separate because they expect someone in the marriage will more than likely walk out.  

     Me, Myself, & I. -- Something about changing your location opens up space for God to show you things about... YOU. Personally, I can tell you that while I've been here, I have officially decided to minor in world missions (while majoring in social work), and that was a decision I have been trying to seal for a while. God has also been showing me how to take things one day at a time. I have always been in a rush to get to the next step or to be done so I can move on to the next thing, and I've learned how important it is not to take things for granted.  Every moment should truly be a treasure as well as every person.

     Reality. -- Ever heard a conversation like this? "Like, oh my gosh, she said this, and then he did that... and now it's the end of the world!"   ....Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic, but we've all either been involved in this type of conversation or have heard it at some point. And it's not just the "average American teenage girl" but every age and BOTH genders. We spend so much time in drama that has no significance whatsoever. There are too many important things to be done for the Kingdom. In my time here, I've seen a new reality. NEED is the new reality for me. HURT is the new reality for me. These are the things that really matter and the things that have true significance. It's the real REALITY.

      I want everyone who reads this to know that God has so much more. MORE, I would say, explains what God has shown me while I'm here. The more I see, the more I pray that everyone else could see more too. 

     Thanks for reading.

If you have any questions about the mission of the Bolivian Hope Center or any other questions about my trip, please leave a comment below and I will happily answer them.

One With The Worms

     Parasites.

     We all get them.

     Not. 

     ---------------------------

     Can I tell you how determined I was not to get sick on this trip? Well, that lasted a good three weeks. After being up all night with stomach pains two nights in a row, we figured out what was wrong.

     Yes, there was life growing within me, and it was most certainly NOT a human. I would say a baby because little Wormy could be a baby. Who knows?

     And you read correctly. I named him Wormy. Sorry if I'm completely grossing you out.

     No, seriously, I have never been more frustrated with sickness in my life. I hate to admit that for a moment I was angry at God for letting it happen to me. Yeah, that sounds horrible, but allow me to let you into my head for a moment.

     Things are going so smooth, and you know you're where you are supposed to be...serving God and doing His work...but then all of a sudden it all stops abruptly. You're in the most pain you can ever remember feeling. You're asking God to please, please take it away. But the night continues, which turns into day, which turns into a second night, which turns into exhaustion and feeling oh, so defeated.

     Why, God? Why am I going through this right now? All I'm trying to do is what You want me to do.

     It's funny how in situations like this, we don't hesitate to cry out to Him -- almost even blame Him and expect Him to fix everything for us.

     I'll never know why God didn't just heal me when I was in so much pain, or why He didn't prevent sickness in the first place. That's something I've never understood, and I probably never will. I guess that's what makes faith so beautiful, isn't it?

     Jesus asked God, if it was His will, to take the burden of being crucified off his shoulders. God didn't. Jesus still followed through. To me, that is the coolest part of the story. Faith is such an unexplainable, extraordinary thing.

     So, this past week in a nutshell...  
     I was sick. God didn't heal me when I asked Him to, and I realized what it really means to serve faithfully.

     Thanks for reading.